6 Movie Scenes Embarrasing to Hackers

Most tech people out there will be able to relate. Dad can’t get the wifi turned on? Unplug the stupid router then plug it back in and suddenly you are the house tech God. Teacher can’t get her email login to work? Caps lock makes you the class guru of computers. God help you if you reset your neighbors virus ridden laptop that has visited some very questionable websites according to the internet history. Suddenly the whole neighborhood is convinced that if anyone messes with you, you’ll knock their house off the power grid and crash an airplane into their front lawn because you learned how to clean a pc by using google (OK maybe not everyone but that site has shown me more tech remedies than I can care to remember).  My mind is blown as to how you even make those connections. My friend can’t open task manager without everyone suddenly freaking out he’s going to start stealing nuclear launch codes from Russia. Nowadays you can open hackertyper in a browser and role your face on the keyboard and terrify the people next to you. (If you don’t get it just check it out, fun for scaring family and friends)

Well you can thank hollywood for that fantastic impression they have left on the masses. Do you like to sit in the dark in your room alone? Do you type very quickly? Can you stare intensely at a monitor and make things flash by that make absolutely no sense? Congratulations, you could be the next hacker that hijacks a NASA spacecraft from a starbucks coffee shop. No really, check it out.

The Social Network:

Hazing is a great way of getting messed up and becoming apart of an alcoholic brotherhood. However in colleges like MIT you gotta crack the encryption on a python web server and intercept all traffic to be accepted into some development group. Who even knows where they pulled that phrase from. Hell if I can get onto some Java development site and copy some poor saps response to a question I could make a whole scene about how Zuckerberg needs to crack campus security to get some info for some unexplainable reason. Look at these guys. With that amount of shots I don’t know a Russian who could even explain what a keyboard is let alone crack an encryption. Disregarding the poor quality you can pick out the kids terminal box has the exact same couple lines even as his fingers have a seizure on the same keys. Just. How? A non-changing terminal and what looks like an empty browser window? At least the kid on the left has a couple “windows open”. Only thing that happened/changed in that scene was my level of disappointment in the movie production.

The Matrix:

Now don’t get me wrong, I love this series to death. First time I watched through I had no idea what was going on half the time. People defying gravity in a virtual world and spawning in vast amounts of arms and explosives at the running of a random program on the floating ship in the “real world”. People on the outside sit at this computer staring at binary code flying by on different levels and somehow manipulate the infrastructure of a three dimensional world generated by complex machinery seeking to eradicate the human race. I really don’t know where to even start. Look up “matrix terminal code” on google and with a simple copy and paste you can don a cape and black sunglasses in your local library and convince the librarians that you can shoot down military planes with missiles you hacked into. Keep pinging a random website in a second window and you’ll be able to soar across buildings with the strength of 10 Bruce Lee’s combined. I could rant about this one for ages.

NCIS

Oh no, a TV series. Sue me, I said this was movies. I couldn’t help but mention this one for its golden performance. Where do I even start? First I had to get myself off the floor from laughing to hard I vomited my guts out. Another class act of fast typing and and shit flying across the screen faster than the average human eye can possibly compute. Oh but it gets better. What better than one person smashing their fingers against a single keyboard? TWO people frantically typing randomness. What. I think any person with the simplest understanding of how a computer works will stop and think that one over. And why do they keep referring to the hacker as “he”. What, women can’t be cyber terrorists now? My stomach still hurts from this one.

Hackers:

Well. There’s so much here that if the movie was a turkey I could cut it up and feed the entire homeless population of three states in the USA. Please just watch this film and tell me if you can disagree by the end of it. Hacking is now the spamming of random ass emoticons and cartoons across the computer screen. God forbid the cookie monster shows up on my computer he’ll start eating all my song files and replace them with useless junk that takes up space.

Die Hard 4.0:

Found this little golden nugget while surfing around the web. Do I even ask what is going on on this guys computer? Typed in an IP to his command prompt. Don’t you dare mister. Oh. No. Don’t you even. Great he permanently added this IP to saved ones. End of the world here guys, I’m out. And what’s with the splurge of icons on his desktop? It looks like pompeii where the programs are lava. That or someone took your steam library and splayed it all across the desktop (For all you nerds that couldn’t resist Gabe Newells magic powers of giving you awesome games at 75% discounts). Oh look a yellow light just lit up on your computer when someone started hacking you? Why the hell do you not see that. If I had a light for viruses i'd want it at the top of my computer case with sirens accompanying it. But no, this guy has to have it on the back, for who knows what reasons. The real kicker in this one is the red bull. Everyone knows that to be a successful computer hacker you gotta load yourself up on caffeine to really mess shit up. Never trust a guy drinking energy drinks while on the computer, he obviously plans to steal your credit card info. Is that C-4 in his computer case by the blinking light? I give up.

WarGames:

Definition of old but gold. Nerdy kid starts playing a game with a computer on nuclear warfare on a global scale, only to bring it to reality. Yes. This kid is maybe 14 or 15 ish? All he wanted to do was play a game, not scare the worlds superpowers with nuclear fallout. Parents learn from this. Don’t buy your kids that new Mario game and they may start an international missile crisis. How he even got into the central control center of the US military I won’t even ask because the answer will probably leave me more confused than before I asked. It seems as though if I start talking to Evie the online chat simulator I might just get lucky enough to break into Korean servers. (Link for the lazy https://www.existor.com/en/)

For the real hackers out there, props to you for the patient typing at your machine for hours on end. Obviously you aren’t bending the gravitational field or causing military cruisers to sink in the middle of the atlantic,  or maybe you are I don’t know….. please don’t kill me. Movies have twisted the image of the hacker to something completely absurd in movies, and thanks to that when parents come into their childs room and see them in their task manager looking at stuff they think “Our child has a future in computers!” when really they might just know how to kill a computer when its frozen on porn.

/rant

Food for thought. Have thought to add? Comment below :)


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Andrew Plaza

Nerdy Tech fanatic interested in the intricacies of life, technology, and high existence.

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